WARNING: This Product Warps Space and
Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every
Other Piece of Matter in the universe, Including the Products of Other
Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses
and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product
Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product
Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in
Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the
"Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out
at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but
Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This
Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and
Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's
Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or
Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE:
According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory,
the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to
Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the
Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any
Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use
of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of
Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the
Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat
Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in
This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little
is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of
Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in
Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The
Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is
TenDimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No
Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional
Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a
Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics
Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This
Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The
Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product
Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the
Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May
Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When
Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent
on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The
Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse
Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe
Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe
Cannot Be Guaranteed.
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